Dear Empire Cinema

Below you will find a genuine letter written and sent to Empire Cinema in Bishop's Stortford. Maybe one day I hope they will make life a little easier for parents of young children. I doubt it though. I was sent a very dismissive response. Didn't even get a voucher for popcorn! 

Dear Sir,

Picture the scene, another morning when my four year old twins are up at 6am. By 6.10am, my house is covered in a carpet of Lego. By 6.20am I am wondering whether it is too early for a small glass of Chablis. How am I going to make it through the next 13 hours. I know! I'll take the boys to the cinema - that will kill some time, and give my husband a little time to complete that long talked about job - clearing out the shed.

Persuading boys to put shoes on: 22 minutes

Loading boys into the car:10 minutes

Tantrum before we have left the drive because boys haven't picked up the right coloured Lego car: 6 minutes

Time taken to return to the house to find Lego car: 7 minutes

Drive to cinema behind Learner car: 21 minutes (although it should take 10)

Time looking for non-existent car park change: 5 minutes

Time spent on credit card payment system to car park: 7 minutes.

Eventually we make it into the cinema. I queue up to get tickets. The staff are reprimanding the mother in front of me because she is 5 minutes late for the showing. She has 3 children (including a very young baby) with her. She looks like she needs the whole box of Chablis.

When our turn comes, I buy the tickets and ask for a small popcorn, and a spare cup so I can divide the sugar loaded popcorn between the boys, thus avoiding the riot that commonly ensues with twins "but why can't I have my own popcorn Mummy?"

Teenage Popcorn seller - "Sorry I'm not allowed to give you another cup."

Me - "Then what am I supposed to do, pour popcorn over the lap of one child? Please can I have another cup."

Teenage Popcorn seller - "I'm not allowed to give you another cup. I can however sell you one of the SpongeBob cups."

He points to said cups. They are £4.95. What am I meant to do - buy one for one twin and not the other? By this time we have missed ten minutes of the film, all because I want a paper cup that probably costs you less than 1p.

Me (with tears of rage in my eyes) - "Don't make this so difficult. Please just give me another cup!"

Teenage Popcorn seller eventually hands over the paper cup. I make it through the ticket lady with two boys, popcorn and a 7up. Outside the cinema screen there are no booster seats - I eventually find some outside another screen. I have no hands free. How the hell am I meant to make it to my seat without spilling popcorn over the heads of the boys?

Eventually we make it in there, my boys dragging their booster seats behind them, arguing on route about which colour they would like. There are 4 frazzled parents in there. I wonder why the ticket people wasted time asking the late lady in front of me in the queue where she would like to sit. The cinema is also freezing. Perhaps I would suggest you turn the air conditioning down, and maybe use the money to give a parent a spare popcorn cup when they need one.

The verdict:

Cost of parking - £2.70

Cost of tickets, one drink, one popcorn and two cups - £13.30.

Total cost for 74 minutes of "entertainment" - £16

I could have bought a whole box of Chablis for that (and happily shared it with the late lady in the queue).

As a result, I am very disappointed with the service of your staff and cinema. Perhaps you don't understand that the early morning showings are often a sanity break for parents? Or perhaps your staff don't understand the logistics of visiting with small children in tow.

I look forward to your reply,

Sally Gill

P.S. On the upside, my husband did actually manage to clear the shed out. However he has been moaning about it all the live long day.